Tourniquet Didn’t Perform. And That’s the Point.
There’s a certain kind of silence after the applause fades. The kind that makes you wonder if they ever saw you, or just the trick you pulled off to keep their attention.
Precious and I modeling
I remember vividly how the crowd applauded me after pouring my heart out talking about Sandy, comparing her strength she showed to David and Goliath’s story. However, I don’t remember a single person that can recall that speech today, or even asked me details further regarding Sandy after that. When I thought of “Legends Live Among Us”, I truly thought she was one, but everyone that applauded had nothing else to say after the performance was over.
One afternoon when I was handling Tourniquet, I noticed he was quite reactive to the haltering process, which was something he wasn’t sensitive to before that day. So I thought, oh, well, I’ll just take the halter on and off and desensitize him to it, right? I kept doing it until he was not as reactive, and he was better for about a week. Then he sat for a week due to my schedule and weather, and he was just as difficult to put a halter on, if not worse.
The Need to Be Seen
My parents and little Sabrina
I’m not shy in identifying my less than ideal circumstances growing up, it’s a part of my origin and what has brought me to this path in the first place. Both my parents were still in high school, and when I was born, my dad had turned 17 three months prior. I vividly remember being 17 and how I could barely comprehend being empathetic towards a friend, let alone having to consider a brand new human being that was my legacy!
On top of the stacked expectations of raising me, my parents were faced with another core, identity shaping variable: on one side of my family, there is a history of brave veterans, American to the core in every war documented. On the other side? Plenty of mysteries, many questions, and a loss of cultural identity. While both have their strengths and weaknesses, they both have a common theme: “Be Impressive, or be invisible.”
Little Sabrina with a stick horse
No matter how you’re raised, there is this a consistent message right now of “If you do not burn, you will not be seen. If you are not seen, you are already gone.” — I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel that pressure constantly growing Borderless! I see so many ads on Facebook, so many people operating under similar scopes of practice as I am, and that can make it feel so defeating. Or I feel competitive in the wake of wanting to be recognized more than the other—either way, neither state is sustainable for the long-term and usually results in shutdown and a listless existence.
But these are familiar patterns if I look back at them are very familiar. How many times growing up had I became a chameleon in predominantly “white” spaces I existed in? I was a good student. A tough one. The kind of “brown” that didn’t ruffle feathers. No wonder I became so exhausted by the end of the day, wanting to close my door and listen to music and ignore my parents calling for me downstairs after a long day. Then the next morning I was completing the same patterns all over again. There was never a release, only a temporary hit/wave of acceptance when someone acknowledged me or what I could offer.
How It Shows Up Now
While I reference a lot to my past, it’s crazy to see how it manifests into my existence as an adult.
The competitive itch.
The overthinking.
The start of my “grief sleeve”
The self-criticism when I see someone getting more engagement on a post than I did on something similar.
That fact that I haven’t turned Tourniquet around in 100 days.
While every so often it’s challenging to grasp onto those thoughts once they start racing, I do notice my ability to catch it now — that little voice trying to compare, to prove, to perform. It’s quieter than it used to be, but it’s still there. Some of it has left through reflection. Some through pain. Some through colorful ink etched into my skin, claiming my story in permanent lines.
Tourniquet, the One Who Wouldn’t Perform
Okay Sabrina, you’ve lamented on about countless personal experiences, how do horses fit in? Well….
My Mustang with a mind of his own.
He’s the one I couldn’t get turned around in 100 days.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel shame about my “lack” of progress—compared to other professionals operating in the same space, that’s a real metric I could compare myself to. Especially given how many horses I’ve been able to turn around training wise in less time.
Rasping Tourniquet’s feet
But the realization kicks in that he wasn’t hard — he was honest the entire time. He has a brain, he does have his needs that need to be met in some capacity. Why wouldn’t I want honesty when existing in the same space as something that has its own autonomous existence?
I once thought the goal was to get him ‘there.’ Now I realize the real goal is to not betray him on the way. We both want to exist in a “feral” way. And we both required someone to stop forcing compliance and start listening.
When dealing with horses or people, it’s important to realize that behavior isn’t always disobedience. Nor is behavior consent. What is “shut down” can also look calm and composed. A horse who “suddenly” acts out with a new person may not have been trained as effectively as it was advertised. Perhaps it felt it was given a space where it felt safe enough to allow the stacked experiences to discharge, even if it’s dangerous to the person/environment that gave it the option.
Many people say, ‘He was fine until he wasn’t.’ But what if he was never fine? What if the animal, human, organism was just coping with its current conditions? What if your presence made that organism brave enough to stop pretending?
Closing the Loop — The Wound and the Wisdom
While working with my clients, I try to preach on the idea that I’m always learning.
"The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know." — Albert Einstein
Student with lesson horse “Leo”
I’m always working on myself as I choose to walk beside each client, and I want everyone, prospective client or not, to know that I’m healing those performance expectations, and removing those expectations from each session. While I am learning to see myself without the applause, I actively cultivate an environment where they find more self-worth in the discovery of something new through each lesson/session.
I lead my clients without force, rather I open the stage for discovery, curiosity, and, best of all, personal growth. Only then can we cultivate more individuals that can professionally contribute to the Equestrian community.
As I make more posts, expect to see Tourniquet’s name more and more, as he didn’t come here to make me look good. He came here to tell the truth. And if I’m honest, I’ve needed that more than I ever needed to impress anyone. Every day, I keep reminding myself of that “need to impress”—it’s a work in progress :) !
